The Low Budget Sooper Dooper Interview Show!
by Nekonezume
Summary: What would happen if Link's weapons, armor and such could talk. I bet Link's pretty glad they can't. WARNING: This story is... slightly abnormal. OK, so it's seriously abnormal. Parts of it may be uhh, offensive. So, be careful. This kind of weirdness is


Low Budget Sooper Dooper Interview Show, Zelda fanfic  
  
©2001 This story was written by Katie (oh sure! Like I'll give you my last name!). It is   
totally 100% fictional, which is why it's a fanfic! If you wanna use it on your webpage, then   
you must e-mail me at katiec@nb.sympatico.ca. If I find my fanfic on your page without my   
permission, then I will personally kill you. Have a nice day :P!  
  
LEGAL ZELDA DISCLAIMER: © 1998-2001 Nintendo of America and Shigeru Miyamoto (Zelda creator).  
  
NOTE: This is TOO messed up. I don't know HOW I thought of this... well, er-hem, I do. I was,  
uh, thinking about Toy Story... don't ask me why, man! I have no frikkin' clue! I just thought  
of Toy Story, then I thought about Link, and then I came up with this. Now, seriously, the  
title may sound a bit, uhm, non-humour like, but it's... well it may not be funny, but kinda,   
uhm, scary... like something someone would write when they stay up too late with a cold   
(hahaha... who, me?). So, uhm, I'd watch out. Because I swear someone slipped something into   
that Pepsi I had tonight... honestly.  
  
  
Low Budget Sooper Dooper Interview Show  
  
Interviewer: Hello, and good bagel everyone! Welcome to the Low Budget Sooper Dooper Interview  
Show! I am your host, Interviewer! Today, since we couldn't get Link (damn cheap bastards at  
the studio...)  
Director (Me, huahaha): HEY! Shut up, or I'll fire you faster than you can say "red raspberry  
bubble gum on a terrifying lizard"!  
Interviewer: *ignoring the Director* AHEM, since we couldn't get Link, we're going to be talking  
to his weapons, shields, and tunics. That means that Link is out somewhere wearing absolutely  
nothing!  
Director: *perks up* Uhm, I have to leave...  
Interviewer: *ignoring the Director once more* So here are all the weapons Link's ever used!  
Random Stage Freak: *pushing in a cart with assorted weapons and tunics*  
Interviewer: Great job, Random Stage Freak. *gives Random Stage Freak a nickel* Don't spend it  
all in one place, okay? Buy yourself something nice.  
Random Stage Freak: Yes! I finally have enough to buy some drugs!... I mean, uhm, some pie.   
Haha. Yeah. I have to... go now. *runs out*  
Interviewer: *ignoring the fact that Random Stage Freak is going off to by some cheap heroin* So  
let's get the interview underway! We'll start with Kokiri Sword here, his very first weapon.  
Sound Effects: Awwwwwwwwwww!  
Announcer: The Low Budget Sooper Dooper Interview Show is filmed before a live studio audience.  
Camera: *zooms in on the audience to show two drunks and a stripper*  
Interviewer: Hi there, Kokiri Sword!  
Kokiri Sword: Yo, man, what da fuck you want, anh?  
Interviewer: Uhm... yeah.  
Kokiri Sword: You wanna mess with me, biotch!? I'll take yo' bitchass dooooown!  
Interviewer: So...  
Kokiri Sword: Oh, ya wanna play that game do ya, biznatch!? Ya wanna? Come get sooooome!  
Interviewer: As I was saying, I...  
Kokiri Sword: Listen up, punk! I got a place fo' people like you!   
Interviewer: And I...  
Kokiri Sword: You REALLY don't wanna keep interuptin' me, bub!  
Interviewer: You're the one who's-  
Kokiri Sword: What!? You accusin' ME!?  
Interviewer: Uhm...  
Kokiri Sword: Are you accusin' ME!? HO!!!  
Interviewer: No, you see I...  
Kokiri Sword: You know what happens when people accuse the great Kokiri Sword!? People DIE! You  
get what I'm sayin'?  
Interviewer: Yes but...  
Kokiri Sword: YOU GET WHAT I'M SAYIN'!?  
Interviewer: ...yes...  
Kokiri Sword: Then shut yo' pie hole, fool!  
Interviewer: Uhm...  
Kokiri Sword: You know, I could've taken out Ganondorf all by myself, but nooooo. Link had to  
use that Master Sword!  
Master Sword: *in nervous voice* No pain, no suffering... good, good, happy. Sunshine...   
rainbows. Yes, yes... lots of rainbows...   
Kokiri Sword: I could've kicked some ass, man!  
Master Sword: Everyone is happy, everyone loves one ano-  
Kokiri Sword: What're you talking about, fool!? I could kill you!  
Master Sword: Ahhh! Ahhh! No no! Happy! Kittens! Rainbows!  
Kokiri Sword: I eat kittens for breakfast!  
Master Sword: *chokes* Pretty... unicorns...  
Kokiri Sword: And unicorns, too!  
Master Sword: NO! They're alive. They're happy. They dance with me... yes, dance in the   
sunshine...  
Interviewer: Uhm... let's move on... Now for... the Deku Shield. Hi there, Deku Shield.  
Deku Shield: ...  
Interviewer: Uhm... hi?  
Deku Shield: ...  
Interviewer: Uhm... okay...  
Deku Shield: ...hi.  
Interviewer: Oh! Hi!  
Deku Shield: ...je ne parle pas anglais. (I do not speak English.)  
Interviewer: I'm sorry, what was that?  
Deku Shield: Tu mange la merde. (You eat shit.)  
Interviewer: Sorry?  
Translator: *runs in* This shield speaks Chinese. It just said that it likes to wear Mexican  
party hats while dancing to Olivia Newton John.  
Interviewer: ...I didn't catch Olivia Newton John in that phrase.  
Translator: The word "anglais" is Chinese for Olivia Newton John.  
Deku Shield: AHHHH! LES STUPIDES! (AAAAHHH! STUPIDS!)  
Translator: Wow, it just said I was very sexy!  
Interviewer: ...uhm... yeah... okay... moving on...  
Deku Shield: As-tu un grenouille? J'ai faim! (Do you have a frog? I'm hungry!)  
Interviewer: ...I'm not going to touch that with a... *sings* 39 1/2 foot poooooole!  
The Grinch: *walks in* That's my song. *walks out*  
Interviewer: ...So, uhm, Deku Stick...   
Deku Stick: Why...?  
Interviewer: Why, what?  
Deku Stick: Why couldn't I be a Nut?  
Interviewer: Uhmmm...  
Deku Stick: Link only used me to burn things! *starts to sob* Why couldn't I be cool!?  
Interviewer: I, uh, don't know...  
Deku Stick: There's no point in living!  
Kokiri Sword: I'll kill ya if ya want, whore!  
Deku Stick: *wailing* I just wanted to be loved!  
Interviewer: *blankly* We, uh, all love you here. Yeah. That's the ticket. So... Deku Nut...  
Deku Stick: WHYYYYY!? WHYYYYYYYY!? Oh why, Din, Nayru, Farore! Why am I so worthless!?  
Kokiri Sword: Because you were made for me to KILL YOU!  
Deku Nut: Me me!  
Interviewer: Finally, something who wants to talk! Hey, Deku Nut. Can you tell me what it was   
like to be one of the Hero of Time's weapons?  
Deku Nut: ...I wasn't a weapon.  
Interviewer: ...Then what were you?  
Deku Nut: I was a bong.  
Interviewer: A what!?  
Deku Nut: You heard me.  
Interviewer: A bong? How?  
Deku Nut: Well, see this little hole in my side? He stuck a straw through there, and put the  
weed inside, and...  
Interviewer: Man... Link's a druggie.  
Deku Nut: He also used me as a holder for his pills. He'd open me up, put pills inside, then  
close me up. He'd pop 'em after every battle. But weird enough, he'd always say "This is my last  
one", but then he'd pop 'em and pop 'em and pop 'em until there were none left to pop, then beat  
the everlasting piss out of that fairy of his.  
Interviewer: *wide eyed* A little more than I needed-  
Deku Nut: You should've seen 'em beat her, too! It's a wonder she lived through it all! *laughs*  
Interviewer: I don't see how this is funny...  
Deku Nut: Ohhhh, it was hilarious! He'd swat her like a gnat!  
Interviewer: Uhm... let's move on to the Slingshot...  
Deku Nut: And don't even get me started on the alcohol!  
Interviewer: I said... moving on...  
Deku Nut: He'd drink and drink and drink, then he'd go out and bang Malon. Then he'd go find   
Zelda, and bang her, too. Then he'd go find that horse of his, and...  
Interviewer: THAT'S ENOUGH! *smoothes back her hair, smiles sweetly* Now, we move onto the  
Fairy Slingshot. Hello.  
Slingshot: Teehee! I know a secret that you don't!  
Interviewer: I think I've had enough secrets for today, thanks.  
Slingshot: Ooooohhh, you REALLY want me to tell?  
Interviewer: No, I-  
Slingshot: Okay! I will!  
Interviewer: *puts a hand to her head and groans* Oh, lord.  
Slingshot: Link... eats... toothpaste!  
Interviewer: *looks at the Slingshot* Uhhh, so?  
Slingshot: It's toothpaste!  
Interviewer: Well, yeah...  
Slingshot: He eats toothpaste!  
Interviewer: You made that quite clear, thanks.  
Slingshot: Not the wintergreen kind either! The kind with baking soda!  
Interviewer: *sarcastically* Oh, my Din. That's just so... wow. Juicy. Moving on.  
Slingshot: Hehehe. Toothpaste. That's a funny word. It reminds me of the time...  
Interviewer: So, now to the bomb.  
Bomb: I like to BLOOOOOOOW STUFF UP!  
Interviewer: Yes, I see...  
Bomb: Can I blow you up?  
Interviewer: No. No you can't.  
Bomb: Please? I'll be your best friend.  
Kokiri Sword: I'll kill you!  
Bomb: Come ooooooonnnn! Let me blow you up! C'mon, c'mon, c'moooooooonnnn!  
Interviewer: Egads. Hylian Shield...  
Hylian Shield: Ahh, oui! (Ahh, yes!)  
Translator: Another Chinese-speaking shield! It said marvellous pigs in satin.  
Interviewer: *sighs* Oh, wonderful.  
Hylian Shield: Ce Deku Shield la, il mange les champignons magiques. Hahaha! (The Deku Shield  
there, he eats magic mushrooms. Hahaha!)  
Deku Shield: Non, stupide moron! (No, stupid moron!)  
Hylian Shield: Oh, ben ca!? (Oh, really!?)  
Translator: They seem to be having a heated conversation about cockroaches!  
Boomerang: Huhuhu... he said cock.  
Interviewer: *rubs head* I'm getting a migraine.  
Boomerang: Huh... huh huh... cock...  
Hylian Shield: Tu veux un petit peu de ca!? (You want a little bit of this!?)  
Deku Sheild: Haha, tu es trop peur! (Haha, you're too scared!)  
Hylian Shield: Tete de caoutchouc! (Rubber head!)  
Deku Shield: *gasps* Non! Nooooon! (*gasps* No! Nooooo!)  
Interviewer: Uhm... Boomerang?  
Boomerang: Huh huh... you said wang.  
Interviewer: Uhhh... no I didn't...  
Boomerang: You said wang!  
Interviewer: ...I'm going to talk to the Longshot now...  
Boomerang: Huh huh... you said shot.  
Interviewer: How is that funny!?  
Boomerang: Huh huh... shot.  
Interviewer: So, Longshot...  
Longshot: Hey, good lookin'!  
Boomerang: Huh. Shot.  
Interviewer: *blushing* Why, hello there!  
Longshot: You know, they don't call me long for nothin', toots. *if it had eyes, it would wink*  
Interviewer: Uhm...  
Longshot: Do you have a mirror in your pocket?  
Interviewer: Uhhh, no... Why?  
Longshot: 'Coz I can see myself in your pants!  
Interviewer: *cocks an eyebrow*  
Boomerang: Huh huh... you COCKed an eyebrow. Cock. Huh huh.  
Interviewer: Uuuhhh aahahaha...  
Longshot: Did it hurt?  
Interviewer: Did... what hurt?  
Longshot: When you fell from heaven?  
Interviewer: Oh, lord. *puts a hand to her head* This is going to be long.  
Longshot: Like me!  
Boomerang: Huh huh... long.  
Bow: Hey! Hey! I wanna talk! Oooh! Ooh!  
Interviewer: *taking an aspirin* Yeah... go ahead.  
Bow: Okay! So there was this one time, when Link, he was beating a big monster that had big   
hands, and I killed it, with the help of the ice cream arrow!  
Ice Arrow: Leave me out of this.  
Boomerang: Huh huh... cream.  
Bow: And this other time, there was this guy, who came out of paintings on a horse. I killed him  
all by myself!  
Interviewer: Wow, yay, big boy, wahoo. I'm going to talk to the Master Sword now. Master Sword?  
Master Sword: *nervously* H-hi...  
Interviewer: What was it like being Link's sword?  
Master Sword: No! No! I am not a weapon of destruction! I want to eat wonderful berries under  
the cotton candy clouds and frolick in the sun with my friends, the unicorns!  
Boomerang: Huhuhuhuuhhh! He said frolick! Huh! Huh!  
Interviewer: That's, uhhh, really great.  
Master Sword: And... the pretty shiny things... they help me... we do good, together...  
Interviewer: Who's been giving this thing cheap pot?  
Master Sword: Nooo, no pot. Pot is bad.  
Interviewer: Screw this. This is like talking to a rock.  
Bow: One time, I killed a rock, and it bleeded!  
Kokiri Sword: Rocks don't bleed, ho!  
Bow: They do when I kill them.  
Kokiri Sword: Bitch, rocks don't live.  
Master Sword: The rocks are my friends, yes. They give me sugar.  
Kokiri Sword: This sugar... would it be in cubes?  
Deku Nut: Like acid!  
Master Sword: No. They give me candy. Candy apples.  
Fire Arrow: ...F-F-FFFFFFIIIRRRREEEE!  
Ice Arrow: Shut up.  
Fire Arrow: I... LIKE... FIIIIRRRREEE!  
Light Arrow: Release the goooood...  
Interviewer: Oh, geez.  
Fire Arrow: With my specialness of fireity, I BURRRNNNN THINGS!!!  
Ice Arrow: Shut up.  
Fire Arrow: I'll burn you! BURN! FIIIIIIIRE!  
Longshot: *to Interviewer* Why don't we get out of this nasty joint and get a hotel room? Heeey,  
angel pants?  
Boomerang: Huh... dude... huh huh... he said joint!  
Deku Nut: You should've seen Link on joints! WHOOOOEEEEE!  
Megaton Hammer: Let me talk.  
Interviewer: Go ahead.  
Megaton Hammer: ...ok... Hi mom! I'm done.  
Interviewer: Ohhh boy.  
Hover Boots: I'm like a bird! I wanna fly away!  
Iron Boots: Man... I wish I were like you. I'm so jealous.  
Kokiri Sword: Hey, Hover Boots! You dissin' my main man!?  
Hover Boots: No, man. I just wanna fly away. Because I'm like a bird! You're beautiful, that's  
for sure!  
Kokiri Sword: You wanna die!?  
Iron Boots: Yo, man, it's cool...  
Kokiri Sword: Shut the fuck up, man!  
Fire Arrow: FFFIIIRRRRE!  
Goron Tunic: I'm resistant against heat, so HAH!  
Fire Arrow: *burns Goron Tunic*  
Goron Tunic: I'm melting...! I'm meeellltttiiiinnnnggg!  
Kokiri Sword: SWEET! Someone died! Now the real action starts!  
Interviewer: RANDOM STAGE FREAK!!! Get out here and clean up this burnt mess!  
Random Stage Freak: *comes out with a needle sticking out of his arm* Uhhhh?  
Interviewer: Uh... nnnnevermind...  
Random Stage Freak: *walks out* Uh.  
Kokiri Boots: HAHAHA! He died. I'm special.  
Interviewer: I'm sure you... oh, look! We've got a call! Let's see who it's from. *presses a red  
button* Hey, you're on the air.  
Voice: What the hell are you doing with my clothes!? And why is someone wearing a director's  
visor trying to rape me!?  
Interviewer: L-Link!?  
Link: Yeah, it's me! And... uh... Deku Nut...  
Deku Nut: Yeah?  
Link: Next time, try not to tell the world about my... uh... past...  
Deku Nut: Okay. I won't tell them about the time you got high off Kool-Aid mix and went down on  
Mido...  
Link: DEKU NUT!!!  
Deku Nut: Or the time you drank vodka straight and started humping a little girl's lollipop. You  
know, that didn't amuse her too much to have white sticky stuff all over-  
Link: THAT'S IT! I'LL KILL YOU!  
Kokiri Sword: Can I do it for ya!?  
Fire Arrow: BURN baby BURN, disco INFERNO! That song had lots of FIRE in it! FIIIIIIRE! Light a  
MATCH go on and do it!  
Interviewer: Ohhh... geez...  
Link: Navi's locked herself in the bathroom again and she won't come out!  
Boomerang: Huh... huh... cum.  
Interviewer: *picks up that damn Boomerang and snaps it in two*  
Boomerang: Huh huh... WHOA. I... re-produced! That was pretty cool.  
Deku Nut: You shouldn't have beat her like you do to yourself every night before bed!  
Interviewer: Oh oh OHHHHHH...  
Link: WHAT!? YOU LITTLE BITCH!  
Deku Nut: Not my fault you can't get any when you can actually remember it.  
Link: *growls*  
Mirror Shield: *slworg*  
Interviewer: ...What was that!?  
Mirror Shield: ?!taht saw tahW...  
Bow: Oh! The Mirror Shield, is mirroring, everything!  
Mirror Shield: !gnihtyreve ,gnirorrim si ,dleihS rorriM ehT !hO  
Interviewer: That's... really annoying.  
Mirror Shield: .gniyonna yllaer ...s'tahT  
Interviewer: SHUT UP!  
Mirror Shield: !PU TUHS  
Interviewer: ARRRGHHH!  
Mirror Shield: !HHHGRRRA  
Boomerang: Huh... I re-produced.  
Fire Arrow: FIRRRREEEE!  
Ice Arrow: Shut up.  
Master Sword: Why are people fighting? Be friends... like the kittens... the kittens are good  
friends... kittens...  
Kokiri Sword: Kittens taste like chicken!  
Master Sword: No!  
Kokiri Sword: Unicorns taste like cheese!  
Master Sword: N...oo... *crying* The unicorns... why!  
Kokiri Sword: The kittens, too!  
Master Sword: Kittens... so fluffy... still alive! I sense their presence!  
Kokiri Sword: ...Man, you had one too many.  
Master Sword: I didn't eat the kittens!  
Kokiri Sword: Whoa, bitch, you're trippin'!  
Master Sword: No! I'm standing! Perfectly upright!  
Interviewer: Uhhh... that's all the time we have...  
Kokiri Sword: No, man, I mean you're TRIPPIN'!  
Master Sword: *sobbing* I'm standing! Here with my happy, fluffy kitten friends!  
Deku Nut: Link goes trippin' alot. I guess when you put horseradish powder in rolled up paper  
it reeeeaallly messes you up! Same with Children's Tylonol! Right, Link?  
Link: I... wouldn't know.  
Deku Nut: Sure you do! I saw what you were doing to Impa that night you found the Children's   
Tylonol in Saria's medicine cabinet!  
Interviewer: That's ALL the TIME we have...  
Link: I... thought it was candy.  
Interviewer: I SAID...  
Deku Nut: No, you didn't! You said "Wow, Children's Tylonol! This shit really messes you up!  
Gets you high as a bird!"  
Hover Boots: I wanna fly away!  
Kokiri Sword: STOP DISSIN' MY MAIN MAN!  
Iron Boots: Hey, Kokiri Sword, I said it was cool...  
Kokiri Sword: SHUUTTT UPPPP, BIOTCH!  
Kokiri Boots: I'm special!  
Deku Nut: HIIIIGH as a bird, Link!  
Link: I NEVER SAID THAT!  
Deku Nut: Yes, you did! Then you picked the wild horseradish outside the Great Deku tree, and   
said "If I roll this into a piece of paper and smoke it, I'll get preeeetty high!"  
Interviewer: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!  
Everyone: *stops*  
Interviewer: *smiles, with the corner over her mouth twitching ever so slightly* That's all the  
time we have for today, folks. Until next time, this is Interviewer, saying "drugs are bad,  
mmmmmkay?"  
Deku Nut: According to LINK, drugs are good!  
Interviewer: *twitch* GOOD NIGHT!  
  
  
-------------------------  
  
Oh, my, lord. Did... I just right that? Man, that was horrible. Seriously. That was really bad.  
Uhm... well, if anyone out there actually LIKES this crap, I might do a sequel. With... other  
characters. Yeah. It's 2:00 AM right now, and I've got a cold. Wait... yeah. So... yeah! I might  
do a sequel if I get any good feedback. And if you actually WANT me to do a sequel, tell me who  
you think I should use. So, that's all. Bye. And... be very afraid. 


End file.
